WELL.

i was a pretty bad person today. this girl that i know had like a walk-home date with her own personal jordan catalano. that's great, right? i like her all right, and i don't have a crush on the boy, so great for her. but instead i was just upset. not mad at her, but not happy for her, either. sometimes seeing boys and girls who are making out and happy together makes me really mad, and i just want to push them around and say that i have that too, just not right now. then later i was in class with her, and i came in and sat down before her, and when she came in she asked me if i could move over one. at first i was like "hell naw" because i had sat exactly where i wanted to sit, but then she pouted and i was like "no way i'm dealing with this for the entire class" so i picked up my stuff and prepared to switch places with her when she was like "no i want you to switch places with the other dude so he and i can sit next to each other," and i got mad. i mean, rude, right? asking me to move so she can not sit next to me and sit in between the two people she wanted to sit next to instead? so i said: "fuck off." then i moved away and sat next to this girl i don't know as well, and she was really nice to me. then when the first girl tried to apologize a little by cracking a joke to me, i said "i'm not fucking talking to you." and didn't look at her all class. i think maybe coffee makes me childish. i know it gives me a sailor mouth.

in another instance of other peoples' fortune putting me in a bad mood, i rubbed shoulders today with some people who had gotten positions as writing tutors and get like some sort of stipend for it and are clearly shoe-ins for the teaching fellowships we are all secretly competing for. they're all nice people, and clearly deserve it, but the whole thing just made me feel terrible about my own capabilities. but, on friday i am going to a party on a boat and i am going to let go of this academic/social anxiety and quit being so cerebral for like ONE MINUTE.