AUGH

i had too much coffee too close to bedtime and now all i want to do is watch my so-called life and think about how it feels to have a crush on someone when you're a teenager. it NEVER feels that way again, does it?

UPDATE: THERE IS SUCH A THING AS MY SO-CALLED LIFE FAN FICTION. DO NOT READ IT.

i don't think it's helpful to listen to interpol while reading articles by my professors, because while i'm sure that Jim Smith has some feelings regarding "Remembering Ireland's Architecture of Containment: 'Telling' Stories in The Butcher Boy and States of Fear", I'm also pretty sure that it's not ABOUT him. i'm doing fine, but maybe it's time to start avoiding music with "feelings" again just so i don't get confused.

it feels great to get back to my normal oral hygiene routine. for a while i thought maybe i had pissed off one of my roommates and they had poured salt on all my oral hygiene materials and i threw away all my floss and my mouthwash just to be sure, but then i realized that the sea salts i got a long time ago to soak my nose when i got it repierced had just spilled all over everything. i got new floss anyway. oral hygiene is really important if you want to keep your teeth for the rest of your life. vitamin c is really important if you don't want to get sick when you have papers due. preventative measures are important in general.

every time i see someone whose situation looks kind of unfortunate, i want to call my grandparents and tell them i love them because i know i will never, ever let their situation get unfortunate. but i can't tell them that, because how do you say something like that? "don't worry about aging, i got your back"? ridiculous, and disrespectful. i'm going to call my grandparents as soon as i leave this coffee ship (that was a typo, but after looking at it i decided it's kind of cute so i'm going to keep it) after finishing up one more annotation for irish fiction.

in other news, i'm kind of in the middle of something bad. two bad things, actually. one misunderstanding, personal and sort of silly, that i've been letting happen and i feel sort of obligated to inform someone about, and one possible misunderstanding/strong opinion that i accidentally catalyzed through a more personal misunderstanding based on a not really rude so much as irreverent thing i said early on in the semester. but, i have at least one other person on my side for the latter, so we'll see how it goes.

this is a poem by bucky sinister

there's an alternate universe
in which bruce wayne is poor
and i have my shit together.

actually, things are kind of awesome

my professor is taking me to a lecture about comic books. did i mention she encouraged me to write my final paper on comic books? she did.

i've talked to my mom on the phone for half an hour for the last two days in a row. i love being related to people and then figuring out that that's not the only thing you have in common.

i have a new computer. my grandfather bought it for me.

i made a resolution to dress like a complete slob until all my papers are handed in. i'm not sure why, i just did. i decided i was going to do the little kid thing and say "i want to wear this shirt and this sweatshirt and if they don't match, well, fuck you!" today i am wearing some pretty serious navy blue corduroy bell bottoms, an orange smock and a grey sweatshirt over it, which is short enough that i can put stuff in the pockets of the smock and retrieve it easily. i've never been happier.

things are o.k. so far

here is what has happened in the last couple days:
my mom and i found out that the credit union, to whom i finished making car payments this past february (no congratulations are in order, i already celebrated), sent us a COPY of the title along with a notarized lien release and sent the real title back to the DMV. this is the latest in a series of COMPLETELY NOT MY FAULT mishaps on the part of both the DMV and the credit union. in short, this is about the 4th lien release we've received and the third time the title has been transferred between them. it makes me crazy.

my computer's hard drive died on saturday night.

i walked into a door and cracked open my nose a little. it hurt pretty bad and still does a little and also looks terrible.


this is how they worked out:
someone from the credit union called today and had magically figured it out after reading all my emails again, and sent the title to my mom.

my grandpa bought me a new computer. how can i possibly express here how incredible that is, or how i feel about him, without making it seem like cause and effect?

there's nothing i can do about my nose except take pictures of it in the library on my new computer. btw - it looks a lot worse in real life than it does in that picture.

just because i need to post this all over the place

my mom tells me it's in swedish. also, make sure your volume is up.

well, i'm against it

having just seen and very much enjoyed american gangster, i'm wondering what frank lucas is doing now? writing a book? doing the talk circuit? getting honorary degrees? i wonder if any academic institution could possibly be convinced to have him as a commencement speaker. i'm pretty sure that institution will not be bc, but if it's anywhere in the tri-state area, i will go. (is massachusetts in the tri-state area? what is the tri-state area? my cousin used those words a lot this weekend but i'm not sure i know what they mean.) in conclusion, i'm really glad the gangster movie is making a big, high-budget, classy production comeback.

i also saw no country for old men. i need to see it again with someone who's willing to discuss it with me afterwards before i know how i really feel about it. jake called it a "literary" movie and let me talk about it for 15 minutes by myself before telling me he didn't want to talk about it anymore. i thought that was very generous.

this week was pretty good. jake came on monday, we did some boston things, ate hella, he met some of my friends, and then we went to thanksgiving at my grandparents' on thursday. that was pretty rad. my cousin nora, freshman at fordham, had come the day before and hung out that day and night. we walked around and got burritos; she was unable to get money out of her account, so i bought her charlie card and burrito and stuff. that made me feel good, like a real relative. nora is pretty rad and i think we could be friends even if we weren't related, if the age difference didn't stop us. what's weird is, if she wasn't mildly forgetful, she would make me feel really lame because she's pretty mature and aside from the fact that she's the size she was when she was 12 she could totally be the older one. we also saw her two older brothers, which was great - i hadn't talked to pat, one year younger than me, in maybe four years, and i didn't really on thursday, but i did talk to willie, four years younger than me, who i was pretty much best friends with when we were younger. i thought the few sentences we said to each other were pretty meaningful. also, jake did a great job, but again didn't really want to talk about it when we got home.

incredible.

i have been telling people that i regret nothing

whether or not that statement is a lie is something which changes every few minutes. sometimes, i regret not a single thing, including time wasted fbooking or watching heroes or complaining or talking about boys, even including the ridiculous things i say to boys; all of it contributes to the patchwork of personal experience and, in some way, reflects my essential self. i recognize that that is a pretty romantic and mildly optimistic notion, but i feel like i kind of have to believe that everyone has an essential self or i might just implode. sometimes i like to think about where in the body it could be located. i don't have any hypotheses about this, just some funny ideas.

at other, more pessimistic times, i'm paranoid and sure that nothing counts except your actions and that i should be in the library defining myself every free, waking moment. and that if i were indeed in the library every free, waking moment, my self-definition would become so intellectually expansive that i would be able to get lost in old books and completely forget about things like boys and heroes. so what is stopping me? i think it might be gluttony. how can i live in the library when i like pizza and beer so much?

i'm a regular somewhere

it's something i've always wanted - to have someone start getting what they know you want the minute you walk in the door, to banter casually with the people behind the counter and the other regulars, to have a "seat" somewhere. in some ways, it's perfect, and in some ways i'm totally paranoid that when the girl laughs a little and says my order before i do she is actually judging me for eating the same thing almost every day instead of laughing with me about my constancy. whatever, i live too much in my head and i'm going to stop thinking about it.

yesterday i went to the symphony with my aunt to see jimmy levine conduct mahler's #9. it was INCRED. the first and third movements were kind of an emotional roller coaster, but the second movement was beautiful all the way through. we sat where we could see most of the strings, and they alternated between looking like a field of high grass in the breeze and frantic insects. i wonder if, when symphonies are written, how the musicians will look playing it enters into the composer's mind? or when they will be turning the pages? anyway, levine was amazing - it's clear he's very passionate about mahler - but he drew out the fourth movement a bit more than it deserved, i thought. anyway, if you are going to fall asleep during the symphony, that is the movement to nod off to. the timpanist completely checked out during it and put his feet up on one of the drums. i heard on npr a while ago that in the 19th century it used to be really cool to fall asleep during the symphony, because it meant you were experiencing the music on a more subliminal, ethereal level. well, i'm a loser and i stayed awake.

it was a pretty great experience because first, most of what i know about classical music i learned from books, fantasia, or falling asleep in the car with my grandfather. now i understand a lot more about what going to the symphony entailed for all the characters in all the 18th century novels i've read, although clearly it's a much different experience now. i can't imagine not getting in trouble for making out in the hallway. second, because i always appreciate experiences that remind me that boston consists of a lot more besides the library and my room. i should probably admit right now that this blog details pretty much all of my extracurricular activities. that day i fished the ladybug out of the toilet? yeah, that was the only time i didn't think about school that day. oh well. good thing i like it.

anagrams!

me:
scolded loiterer
credited loser lo
discoed ell retro
is electrode lord
derelict red solo

i love anagrams! they all make me sound like beck!

my mom:
an nylon

my cat:
zeppelin (that's his name. no anagrams possible. i guess that's what happens when you only have one name.)

my bffs:
dreamland canon, cold nerd manana
jam kegs in, ska men jig
sailor moans, alas sir moon
ice lee gorgon, nice ego ogler
hick tree ablaze, bat lazier cheek

ex bfs:
machos at job
sinned kin brawl
jaded ensues

i'd say all of that is pretty accurate.

i ate it, obviously!

i'm in the library, spacing out instead of reading, the usual, when suddenly i get this compelling urge to 1. check and see if anyone took their scrabulous turn, even though i know it doesn't work on library computers and 2. rustle up a snack before i head over to the irish house to watch a movie for class. well, almost everyone took their scrabulous turns, and it still doesn't work on the school computers, but what was waiting for me when i sat down?! half of a white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie!

new motto: asleep before midnight

i am really getting into this early bedtime thing. ok, so yesterday i went to bed early because i played an unfortunate game of never have i ever in which i had done pretty much everything and made my own little pbr pyramid, but still, before midnight! this used to be unheard of! and it's happening again tonight! i can't wait until it starts translating into getting up at a decent and respectable hour, although showering when i wake up instead of before bed has been a pretty good incentive so far because it means going from a warm place (bed) into another one (shower) instead of facing the temperature immediately upon waking. also my hair is better, generally. so there's that.

this week i wore the same shirt every day, and no one noticed. i don't know if that's sad or really liberating. i used to do it all the time in portland, but that was portland. things are different now and i'd better start getting used to it.

this week i got a decent if confusing grade on a paper, had my weekly email comment printed out and passed around to the class by the professor, and been told that i am in the top three in a class that i have felt was beyond me for the entire semester so far. also, i registered for three more classes that i am genuinely pretty much ecstatic about taking. things are just fine, thank you. as long as i don't think about money, i'm happy.

also i told someone last night that i would pick jordan catalano over brian krakow every day of every year. what is the point of making out with someone if you don't like them? none. there is no point. however, being 1. an english student and 2. a big nerd, i'm pretty sure my definition of "jordan catalano" is significantly different and probably closer to "brian krakow" than the majority's.

new bedtime: eleven p.m. no exceptions!

here is a boston dilemma: at intersections, if you press the "walk" button, eventually all the lights will turn red and you will be able to walk in any direction. this is not something i'm used to; in the cities i've lived in, the walk signal allows you to walk when the traffic driving parallel to you has a green light, and people turning left or right just have to look out. what does a good person do at intersections in boston? is it better to press the walk signal and wait and then make all the cars stop at once, or is it more polite to just not press it at all and walk when the traffic parallel to you is going, even though this might not be the safest but also doesn't result in anyone (except turners) waiting for you to shuffle across the street? mostly i do the second one and go as fast as i can, but last night someone else pressed it and i walked diagonally across the street and it felt pretty good to just be out there in the middle of the intersection.

bugs i rescued today: 2 earthworms, but it's early yet

things i've seen today so far:
one friend
two mixed race couples
one DELICIOUS bagel
the sun
two vespas, one with a rider so tall he had to hold his legs out to the side because they wouldn't fit
the end of my advanced research reading for the week
two stomped earthworms. i failed them.
a million confusing emails

now i'm on my way to the cemetery to hang out and do some reading. sometimes it's really nice, and i'm content with the amount of respect i have for the dead, and sometimes i think about something creepy and just book it out of there. last week i left one of my books and had to go back for it after dark because i needed it for class. i let it slip that i go there sometimes when i can't get anything done because too many people are talking to or around me, and my dad and meaux looked at me like i'm insane. but they look at me like that a lot - this weekend was no exception - and i was proud of myself for just pretending like i didn't notice instead of backpedaling and stammering like i usually do.

i'm changing my fbook status to something a little risqué, but really true and also an ll cool j quote. will that be considered daring, or just vulgar? let's find out.

i am a jerk

ok, so i just found a ladybug in the toilet. what was i supposed to do? it couldn't swim! so i fished it out (not with my hands, i know that's how you get pinkeye) and brought it outside. it tried to climb up my shirt, it tried to go to sleep in my palm, it tried everything except getting on the leaf i was trying to get it to go on, so of course i was talking to it, maybe even shouting at it a little because i was cold and had to get back to work. so i'm standing there holding a branch and shouting at the middle of my hand and who should walk by but the most well-dressed, perfectly coiffed person of approximately my own age that i know. "you're a crazy," she said. "i am not!" i said. "i just like nature a little!" just a little, though.

it's true, i am really good at scrabulous

my dad and stepmom/step significant other/w/e visited this weekend and they told me that i have to be good at something in life. i said, "i'm smart! i'm in grad school! what more do you want!" they looked at me like they had been joking and i just freaked out out of nowhere, which is a little bit true because they probably had just been joking and i had been spacing out instead of listening, but they also tend to just toss out things like that without considering consequences like FEELINGS. my dad once told me, "deird, you could be pretty if you just tried." that was like ten years ago, and i still whine about it when i'm drunk. i'm not drunk now, i just think about it a lot, ok?!?!

anyway, i didn't think they would accept "scrabble" as a thing to be good at, and i know from previous experience that they would look at me like i was an alien if i tried to talk to them about being good at school, so i just said teaching people things. that's pretty much true, and they went with it.

today whoever is in charge of things is really on top of it. i got an email about registration (thursday, my alarm is already set with a reminder about why i'm getting up early), one about exams (i'm not thinking about it right now), and one about the winter ball (hopefully not thinking about it again, ever). it's a lot to digest and i'm having a silent freakout in a corner of the undergraduate deans of arts and sciences' (freshman through junior) reception area. it's not too bad. there's coffee.

tv can really mess you up.

it's true. it gives everyone all these "ideas" about things. then again, if real life were on tv, it might be boring. that's disappointing. what am i saying? real people are ridiculous, and we deserve to see them on tv so we know who to avoid in the street and at parties.



this is a video my friend lizzy made. if you read her blog, sometimes it's a window into my own inner monologue. sometimes. the weather is actually really bad here though. that's one difference. but basically both of us live by the philosophy that if you like someone they should never, ever find out, even though the world doesn't work that way at all. what i'm trying to say is, we're both a little backwards and constantly optimistic and disappointed at the same time. also, i don't believe in sandals. that's another one.

everything nice that i own was purchased by somebody else

this is j.d. salinger's autobiographical statement:

"I was with the Fourth Division during the war. I almost always write about very young people."

that's it.