whether or not that statement is a lie is something which changes every few minutes. sometimes, i regret not a single thing, including time wasted fbooking or watching heroes or complaining or talking about boys, even including the ridiculous things i say to boys; all of it contributes to the patchwork of personal experience and, in some way, reflects my essential self. i recognize that that is a pretty romantic and mildly optimistic notion, but i feel like i kind of have to believe that everyone has an essential self or i might just implode. sometimes i like to think about where in the body it could be located. i don't have any hypotheses about this, just some funny ideas.
at other, more pessimistic times, i'm paranoid and sure that nothing counts except your actions and that i should be in the library defining myself every free, waking moment. and that if i were indeed in the library every free, waking moment, my self-definition would become so intellectually expansive that i would be able to get lost in old books and completely forget about things like boys and heroes. so what is stopping me? i think it might be gluttony. how can i live in the library when i like pizza and beer so much?
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