threat level plaid: an introduction

i should preface this by saying that i have no idea what the actual threat levels are and i have absolutely no motivation to look them up. i would say that this constitutes neither dissidence nor internet laziness; dissidence, well, i guess i just can't really imagine that a failure to blog about actual threat levels is going to do or not do anything for anyone, and i'm pretty sure it's not internet laziness because i just spent twelve minutes searching for the video of an snl sketch i think i remember about hilarious patterns for threat levels. i didn't find it. clearly.

this morning my roommate came home from an overnight shift in tears because her coworker made the following comments:
"i'm gonna follow you home, stand at your window, and shoot you."
"i have great aim. i know where you live."
"in my country [trinidad], we treat rats like we treat fags. i'm gonna shoot you like a fag."
despite obvious rhetorical problems, the main one being that she had no idea why he thought she was a "rat," another being that he wouldn't have to follow her home if he already knew where she lived, she was terrified. i made her sit on my bed and write up a detailed account of every interaction they had (numerous) and who might have been around to hear it (no one, he's totally sneaky and has clearly pulled this before), which she then emailed to her supervisors. then we went to the brighton police station to file a report. then we got bagels.

that was an experience. the police station is being remodeled, so they're operating out of a trailer in its parking lot. this trailer smells a lot - a LOT - like dope. this exhausted blonde woman helped us, taking gail's information (she asked if gail was married - is that weird?) and squinting at the computer as she typed up all of the above and more with a completely straight face. at one point i cracked a joke about playing guard dog for the next couple days, but being concerned because the only self defense i know is tae bo. she smiled for the first and only time. we made a lot of other jokes too. that was pretty much the weakest one. people mystify me. she also called a detective in; gail and i watch a lot of police-oriented shows, so i think we were both poised to fall completely in love with him. well, that happened. he was small with this incredible unselfconscious pompadour and a black peacoat. he actually looked nothing like mark wahlberg, but of COURSE we both left and could not talk about anything but how much he looked like mark wahlberg. oh also, everyone had boston accents as thick as a brick wall.

the detective did a really great job of letting gail know what her options were, what the likely consequences of those options would be, and generally making us feel safe. what really interested me was their special concern about the homophobic nature of the comments. at different times, both the lady and the detective took a close look at both of us and said in a serious tone (actually, EVERYthing was in a serious tone, so maybe just a slightly lower tone), "now, we need to know. what is your sexual preference?" considering how much gail and i talk about boys, this is pretty much a hilarious question. gail explained that she is straight (actually what happened was both times i blurted out "we're not gay! we're just roommates!" not that i have a problem with being thought of as gay - some pretty hilarious things happen on the street sometimes when people in cars think that - but i was tired and was having a crush on the detective and i was worried that if i wasn't convincing enough they would take the threat less seriously, which it turns out is totally wrong), but is a gay rights activist and works with lgbt youth and her coworker knows this and has made aggressively homophobic comments in the past to her and several other coworkers. it was at this point that the four of us had a short debate about whether or not to get in touch with the hate crimes division. ultimately, we thought the threats had more to do with the categorization of gail as a "rat" and not a "fag," but the fact that this could have been considered criminally hateful because gail is a gay rights activist was pretty cool.

the bagels were great.

then we went home and took four hour naps, and then i walked gail to work and ate toffee for dinner because i was tired and it was there. THEN i found out that my friend james has a staph infection in his leg. i have not been able to find enough information on the internet to reassure me that he doesn't have a flesh eating virus. right now i am vacillating (no s - who knew?) between googling staph infections and looking out the window until a cop car rolls by. so far they have been averaging about one every fifteen minutes. they told us they would pay special attention to our house on regular patrols, and i am thoroughly impressed enough to sleep at least until i have to get up to walk gail home from work. i am going to put myself to bed before i worry myself into a coma.

ny resolutions update: as it turns out, cutting down on the swearing means that "like" starts popping up everywhere. this is pretty shocking as i was raised in a household with only two rules regarding speech: don't say "like" all the time and don't end every sentence like it's a question. oh, also, if you're going to be on television, spit out your gum because it makes you look like a cow. anyway, being someone who is pretty concerned about negative stereotypes attributed to californians, i have followed the first two pretty closely. i've never been on tv so i don't think i have to worry about the third, but i am extremely disappointed in myself right now for how much i sound like those girls from baby got back.