feelings are weird

i consider myself, and have been told by professionals that i am, a pretty keen observer of what goes on in my own head. what i've come to learn, though, is that just because you are aware of something doesn't mean you get to control it. an issue i struggle with pretty consistently is how much people should be blamed for their feelings, or beliefs based on those feelings. if i feel selfish when someone borrows something of mine and it looks better on them, is that something i can be blamed for? is it a wrong thing? what if i feel happy when something bad happens to someone i don't particularly care for? i'm pretty sure that is a wrong thing. do feelings like these make me morally culpable in some way, or is it just the unfair actions that might result from these beliefs that would get me in trouble? i guess the answer probably depends on whether or not you believe in god, but i genuinely believe that people can't really be blamed for things that are out of their control and i think feelings are probably one of those things. you just can't help them! they happen! what about beliefs, though? are those something you can help? let's say someone believes a racist thing, and you spend some time trying to explain to that person why the racist thing is wrong. he or she is not convinced. do you get mad? do you spend more time arguing? do you call them a name? what happens? for the record, these are all hypothetical situations. everything i own looks best on me, there is no one in the world that i don't like, and i'm pretty sure none of my friends believes a racist thing.

this all came from a tiny thing that happened today. i mean, it's on the back burner pretty constantly, because let's face it, everyone is confronted with feelings almost all the time, but the reason i felt like blogging about it is not that big a deal. well, maybe it is. it depends on how much you like birds. i guess i like birds a lot, so maybe it is a big deal.

i was in a pretty killer mood this morning, despite the looming late night paper writing sesh. i'm halfway done and the delicate parts are already written, but it's still haunting me a little. however, today is an incredible day. look at the brighton forecast, if you want to. it's beautiful and sunny and i walked to school in a sweatshirt. i could have done it in a tshirt if i really wanted to (i didn't, i probably would have gotten a sunburn). i ran into two friends, one of whom was wearing this incredible green jacket that matched the leash of the dog that she was walking, whom she let me pet extensively. i looked at some budding plants. i whistled a little. all in all, everything was going my way. then when i got closer to school, i went down the walk with the really tall trees that i always walk down and lying in the snow next to one of these trees was a fallen birds' nest. i should tell you i have grown pretty attached to these nests - there are a couple of them way up in the tops of these trees, and sometimes when i'm at school during a storm i'll walk out there to see them get tossed around up there. i don't think there are actually any birds in there right now - there's really no camouflage or coverage at all since the leaves fell - but i like to think of them sitting in there all warm and brave. so seeing that this nest had fallen on maybe the nicest day this month was a little disheartening. there weren't any birds in there, fortunately, but what if they came back and looked for it? i picked it up from the snow and put it on the bench. i doubt birds will want to live on a bench, but it's better than the ground. the point is, this happened and now i'm not completely jazzed on the day anymore, which seems kind of silly because no birds were hurt and it is still completely beautiful outside.